A letter to my eating disorder - TRIGGER WARNING

Before I start I want to put a trigger warning as this may upset or trigger some people. Please be careful reading. In no way am I glorifying my eating disorder, it's far from glamorous. I wanted to write this to show the complex relationship I have with my eating disorder. It's more than what most people imagine it to be. Its a common misconception eating disorders are all just about food BUT they couldn't be more wrong. So before I baffle more here's my letter to my eating disorder.

Dear eating disorder,

Actually what should I call you? You have been my best friend and worst enemy. You’ve lived in my head for over three and half years… I would like to think I know you pretty well. At times you have made me feel love, happy, safe and pretty. You gave me compliments that others rarely gave me. You made me feel good about myself. You were always there for me when nobody else was. You spoke to me when I felt lonely and uncared about. You gave me unconditional love that my family forgot to give me at a hard period in our lives. You were my escape for all the shit that was going on. You were my comfort blanket. We became best friends, I relied on you. You were like the best friend I had always dreamed of, but never had. You made everything manageable. You numbed the hatred I felt towards the world. I loved the closeness we had, to begin with….

Well, it was short lived constant happiness and content with you. Quickly you made me miserable. You started getting nasty, demanding and just generally horrible when I didn’t do what you wanted or to the exact way you wanted. You made me feel guilty and like a horrible useless person on minute and the next you would tell me everything was going to be okay if I listened and obeyed your plan. You told me you could help me be a better person. Slowly but surely you took me away from the things I loved: swimming, netball, makeup and fashion. I became less Becca. Everything was about you and me or it was nothing. If anything got in the way you would get jealous, very jealous. Friendships were off the cards in case food was involved. You isolated me. You made me an angry, horrible and spiteful person to be around. You changed my character. I guess you did this to get everyone to be scared of me and hate me. You controlled me like a puppet on strings.

You confused me at times. What about when you set goal weights? As soon as I hit a weight you were “happy with” you gave me the quick buzz. The buzz I loved. But in minutes you had my next goal weight decided. Your goal posts got further and further and further away. You gave out less and less compliments and I became less and less Becca. I became more and more you.

You made me resent my family. You made me believe they were out to hurt me and make me obese and you knew my biggest fear was becoming obese. You used the phrases “they will make you obese”, “you’ll be uglier if you put weight on” (the list is endless) to keep me involved with you. It was like I was in an abusive relationship with you. You were kind, caring and loving towards e and at others spiteful.

You made me a liar. I wasn’t ever a liar before you became involved. You made me feel awful for lying but I was scared of what next you may say to me. You made it look like I was getting better but really I wasn’t. It just looked like it from the outside. You became sneaky. Hiding food, purging, exercising in the middle of the night and water loading every time I needed to be weighed. Your hope was nobody would catch me out, but eventually they did. That’s when everything turned ugly. I couldn’t feed myself anymore and my heart was murmuring. You took me away from my family. You could have killed me. You wanted me dead. Part of me wishes we could have kept going so would’ve died. Why? Because I wouldn’t have had to put up with your shit on and off for the next three years.

Everytime something hard or painful has happened in the last three years you get stronger. You promise safety, security, control and numbness. Each time you get involved again its harder to pull myself out. No time has been like the beginning where you were only nice towards me.

Restricting, purging, taking laxatives and over exercising make me feel in control but scoffing my gace on thousands of calories at a time makes me feel the complete opposite. You make me scoff my face as a form of punishment. Punishment for not doing something right. You know one of my biggest fears is feeling out of control so you use that to your advantage. At this point in time my only desire is to feel in control and numb my feelings.

You make me feel repulsive towards my body. You make me see a fat, obese girl in the mirror. The only way to describe what I see is an umpalompa. No amount of knowing my weight, bmi or clothing size reassures me. No amount of worry from others over how “thin” I am or reassurance I’m not fat helps. It’s what I see or should I say you make me see. You make everyone out to be a liar. It’s like I’m running towards moving cars that have to swerve out my way. You make me despise myself. You make me want to hide and disappear. You make me unworthy of dressing nicely because there is always something you will pick on. Usually my fat stomach or fat upper arms or thighs. Hoodies and leggings have become a safe haven. Showers are baths are rare… once a week on a good week or once a fortnight. Why? Because you make me cry the whole duration over my body. Watching the hair fall down the plug hole and at times flooding the bathroom makes me despise you but at the same time I can’t get enough of you.

It’s a complicated relationship between me and you. I so desperately want my life back but at the same time I’m clinging onto you. In this messed up way I feel lost without you. I’ve lived with you too long with you to see life without you. But hopefully one day I’ll rid you from my life and be able to enjoy tasty foods without fear of gaining weight, becoming fat, how to get rid of the calories or how many calories I consumed. I will get my life back eventually even though you will get nastier to begin with.

Becca

You may want to read my post about body image if you yourself struggle with body body image. You can read it here.