Inside my bordeline mind

August 11, 2019
People want to know what it feels like to live with BPD (emotional unstable personality disorder.

FACTS: Bpd is a serious mental illness / disorder which affect the personality functions of a person through their emotional dysregulation.

It feels like you aren't living at all some days and others feeling so alive, sometimes too alive. You are someone that feels the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

Some days you can feel somewhat normal but you are easily triggered by the smallest of things. Feeling unheard is a thing we battle a lot even when spoken too, we read into things more than others, By the way someone looks at their watch while talking to you. Makes you feel unheard. Being easily triggered sets you off... you quickly abandon everything. Everything goes.

Relationships are hard, you find yourself pushing everyone away even though the voice within you want you to keep them near, for security. But you are also very aware your behaviours will strain relationships. It's a big old catch 22. At times you feel like a burden and nothing else and at other points you cans shine bright and feel loved. It's conflicting and confusing.

Trusting people can be difficult because you don't want them to see the 'real' you, the dark you. That you feel is unlovable.

You can be triggered by some tiny comment and anger roars inside you and you have no idea how to cope with it. Sometimes you can inflict harm upon yourself as a way to deal with it, but it doesn't really help. You tell yourself you deserve the pain or to prove you are alive.

There is a constant battle within your brain of not wanting to live, you carry this everyday. some days it feels like a warm blanket or a safety net and at other times you feel trapped. If someone tells you to think "positive" or change makes you feel obscene. Someone telling you that suicide is for cowards makes you feel misunderstood.

Most of the time you struggle to know who you really are, you feel lost. You can mimic what others do as a way to try and 'find yourself' but really that's not you. You can feel it's so very hard to express how you really feel and that too can be why you inflict pain upon yourself as its easier for you to show others you are hurting.

You can be so hard to reach at times when you are in great distress. It can feel like everything is happening to you and the darkness feels so dark. You can start to destroy yourself. You have two choices: to reach out for help or you may attempt a suicide. But as someone with BPD you are resilient you try again. You suffer so deeply from the pain and emotions you feel. So much of the time you keep pushing on. Searching for love and hope.


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