The untold truths of eating disorder recovery

I developed an eating disorder as a 14 year old, almost 15 year old. Still at 18 I long for the sickness. The desire to be ill again. The familiarity of the disorder. The safety of the disorder. The control and power it gives… these all come crashing back each time I hit a ‘crisis’ or I feel I’m not in control or stressed.

Each and every day is a new reason to restrict, a new reason to burn calories and make myself get ‘rid’ of the food by making myself sick or by taking laxatives. Its been like this since day one of so-called recovery and I’m now what three, almost four years from my worst. But, the desire to have it all back still reappears when things seem so out of control in my life but also in my mind. The eating disorder is ‘my’ home when I feel the world crashing around me.

The only way I can compare it to is a fairyland, it looks and feels amazing at first, but the deeper I get into it, the more twisted it is, and eventually having to climb and climb my way back up the dark gloomy hole.

Eventually, the fairyland turns into a living nightmare. But… even nightmares (when left unfinished) leave a desire to fall back into them (or to find out the end).

There’re days where I look in the mirror and tell myself the hard truths. The ones rarely spoken about. The ones we all ignore. “I want to die”, “I can’t keep going” etc – all fly around in my head. The emotions I’ve been trying to numb resurface. Telling them to go away and leave me alone. Telling myself its too hard and impossible and I don’t want to do it.

And, I do it anyway… eat something. Cry over calories and numbers. Panic in the shop over all the decisions I ‘could’ make. What’s lowest in calories? What’s got the least fat? What’s got the most protein? What’s got the most fibre? Lah Lah Lah it continues. Pacing up and down looking like an idiot. However, I get up and do it anyway despite my roaring fire of a brain.

Though, the eating disorder makes me feel repulsive towards my body. It makes me see a fat, obese girl in the mirror. The only way to describe what I see is an umpalompa. No amount of knowing my weight, bmi or clothing size reassures me. No amount of worry from others over how “thin” I am or reassurance I’m not fat helps. It’s what I see, or should I say it makes me see and nobody can change my mind.

The eating disorder makes everyone out to be a liar. It’s like I’m running towards moving cars that ha*ve to swerve out my way. It makes me despise myself. It makes me want to hide and disappear. It makes me unworthy of dressing nicely because there is always something you will pick on. Usually my fat stomach or fat upper arms or thighs. Hoodies and leggings have become a safe haven. Showers and baths are rare… once a week on a good week or once a fortnight. Why? Because I cry the whole duration over my body. Watching the hair fall down the plug hole and at times flooding the bathroom makes me despise it, but at the same time I can’t get enough of it. Its almost comparable to an abusive relationship. It’s a manipulator in making you cling onto it. But all it does is take, take and more taking. It leaves you lost in a dark gloomy hole having to find courage, bravery and strength to climb up the hole. It takes determination to suppress the nasty thoughts. It’s a screaming match constantly but lowly the eating disorder quietens and makes it easier. Though its always lurking about… one step behind.

Just now I’m stuck. Stuck in the nightmare that was a fairyland for a while… Its now just blank out exhausting. Even putting the words together to explain the thoughts the eating disorder brings and giving the insight into it scares me. Part of me wants to keep it ‘quiet’ and the other part wants to scream help me… honestly, I don’t know what one to choose just now. It still feels that wee bit ‘safe’ and ‘secure’ like nothing else. Its hard knowing it all and having the insight but putting it into practice is the scary terrifying part.

I have previously written a post called a letter to my eating disorder which may also help you get a better understanding of what it feels like to live with an eating disorder. 

If you are affected by anything written in this post the BEAT  website has information on solely eating disorders and you may find it helpful. 

Becca x