Maybe I'm not meant to be that girl?

I've always wondered why I've never been the girl with lots of friends. I have always been a little different. I was popular enough with most in my year at school but tended to float between different groups of people. I  would watch (social media is great for making you feel included!) people in my year going to parties and getting drunk. But invitations rarely came my way. Spending my weekends alone or with family. I've always wished I could be more like those party people. I've always questioned, what's wrong with me? 

A lot of the time I have felt isolated and alone, even though I knew a lot of people. But, I wasn't really in a friendship group. I would come home for lunch or sit alone. Yet, in classes people would talk to me, I felt confused. It was frustrating not to have someone to run to, someone to phone for a gossip  or someone to hang out with. 

Now, I'm more isolated although I still have friends but not ones I see often or can run to or phone and ask to hang out. Nowadays, my friends are from different places. This means not many of them know each other and so we can't go for group coffee dates. I'm grateful for all the friends I have and love them all dearly. I constantly just find myself craving friends who can get together as a group to  go out for coffee date/ brunch dates every month or so. I find myself wishing for a friendship gang that explore and travel together. Who all support each other no matter what and who don't compete with each  other.

As I try to work out why I don't have many friends I always beat myself up, trying to pin point the reason, am I too loud? Am I too much for people? I haven't found the reason yet, but I blame myself for my lack of friendships. I feel like a monster everyone wants to avoid or not get too involved with.  But, maybe that's my self esteem? Or maybe I'm just not that girl, maybe I'm not meant to have these types of friendships I long and wish for. 

Older people have suggested it's an age thing - apparently as you get older you become more forgiving, more tolerant and ready to mix with a wider range of people. I certainly hope so! 

I have tried to reach out to people. Asked if they want to grab a hot chocolate and usually get a "yeah, that would be great. We'll meet up soon", but then I never hear more. It leaves me feeling let down and horrible, also I never quite know how hard I should try to keep the friendship going and worry I'm either trying too hard/ not trying hard enough... it can be so hard to read signals! But maybe people are just too busy for me? I don't know where to go from here. Oh, I so wish I knew what to do. 

I'm now 18 years old and still finding it hard to make friends in case I get let down, again. I hope that maybe one day  making friends will be simpler and I'll find it easier to socialise. I should say that I do have a few very lovely and sincere friends; I'll always treasure those who are in my life at current. Possibly I should accept that a few good friends will always be more valuable than a huge crowd of insincere friends, but you know how it feels when you see that crowd of people - you just long to be a part of it.

Have you ever felt this way, or do you still feel this way? I doubt I am only person who finds this difficult. Let me know if you have managed to get yourself out of this place and spread your wings to bigger social groups, all helpful tips will be appreciated!

Becca x