I feel like a fraud to my eating disorder

September 20, 2019
I feel like a fraud, most of the time and to be more exact I feel a fraud in terms of my anorexia which i have talked about before on here and I will leave links to some of the posts and a video at the end about my anorexia story (would be lovely if you could subscribe to my channel).

I have been largely recovered from anorexia for around 3 years. Though I still struggle with the mentality of an anorexic on a regular basis, and occasionally slip back into some pf the behavioural patterns like pacing, excessive exercise, food restriction, purging and taking laxatives) but generally, I do not ‘suffer' in the way I once did. I am now also weight restored. 

A lot of the time this makes me feel like a 'bad'/ 'failed' anorexic. Like I didn’t commit, I gave up and I lost control. 
But, please don’t get me wrong I do at times feel fortunate to have survived and recovered from anorexia, but a small part of me feels like I somehow failed.
I somewhat feel like I should still be battling the illness like I once did and  I see so many others struggling too... especially in the recovery community on instagram. Like I should be trapped in the vicious cycle of relapse and remission like others are. I have this voice telling me I can’t call myself a real 'anorexic' as I only ever relapsed once in my illness. Though my  recovery took a long time, months, years even, but once I got there I’ve largely stayed out of it. And I have a voice in me telling me this makes me a failure.
I also never got a full diagnosis of anorexia... i was diagnosed with atypical anorexia as i never lost my period unlike anorexia nervosa even though my BMI was low enough for a full diagnosis. I though almost died from my anorexia but always felt a fraud because I was only in inpatient for six weeks, unlike others who were in for months or even years.
I certainly served my time with anorexia and still have the niggling voice i ignore day in day out and I don’t know if that voice will ever leave, and if I’ll ever be truly free of the anorexic voice. Which is so determined to tell me I failed.
Becca x


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