You can't always put a brave face on

November 04, 2018
It’s really, really hard to be fine all the time. It can be tiring, or more so exhausting... For some, being 'fine' takes a lot more effort than most realise.
Sometimes you’re just too tired and exhausted to be 'fine'This is something that I find hard or almost impossible to accept. I’m puzzled with how to be okay with it. I get frustrated at myself for being that girl who always puts a brave face on no matter the circumstance. Puts a smile on her face to disguise how she feels. Yet, I feel like i'm labbled as the girl who leaves early. Who drinks hardly anything because i'm no fun. That I make excuses not to go out. I'm pretty sure people think I'm weird or insane and, if i'm honest... I feel like I am sometimes.
The sad thing is, I spend my time advocating about mental illness and struggles. How it's not shameful and trying to get people to understand it a bit more. I spend time trying to get others who struggle with similar things to me understand their minds and how they can improve their health. I enjoy it. I love helping others, it gives me fulfillment. 
Though, their is times myself that I feel ashamed, embarrassed and I'm a let down to others. I sometimes feel like I am weird or even crazy. Now, crazy isn't something I use to describe people. It's not a nice term in my opinion. I just don't know how to describe it in any other way. People who struggle withe their mental health aren't crazy. In fact, some of the nicest, most caring people I have met is through me struggling with mental health. Unfortunately, sometimes I just feel differently to others. I can't do normal things like others, and I wish I could.
When you are struggling, you feel out of control over your thoughts and feelings. You think about all the negative things you are and how rude or embarrassing it is to leave an event early. You feel guilty to everyone else their and frustrated at yourself.  You thought on the better days you cracked it and were starting to feel better. You wish, you could go back to the days that were easier. You hope you wake up tomorrow and feel better, or in the coming days. When you struggle, you can feel like you've gone backwards sometimes, but we learn from them. They make us stronger and more resilient for the future. you have blips in the road. Life isn't a straight path forwards... its got bumps.  
What I'm really trying to get at is that getting better is great. You can gain a little bit of your life back every time you do something you couldn't when you were struggling more and that's fabulous. Though, you may have days you can't do things. You slip up with behaviours/ action/ coping mechanisms you did at your worst. Some days will be crap and a write off. But, some days you will be ready to fight/ face whatever life throws at you. Others, you just cant. That's okay. You are tired. Some days you can't be as brave as you have been and you crack. 
But, maybe me and you reading this will accept that maybe one day we will be okay with not being brave sometimes. 


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